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Love Styles – Are You a Vacillator

Are you the spouse who does not feel heard, feel unimportant and you are considering to leave the marriage? Are you feeling done sometimes you feel tired of saying it? Do you feel angry and frustrated in your marriage? Do you put it up with a lot in your marriage or your relationship and then get angry, complain and feel alone? It seems you feel alone in your relationship. Well this blog is for you and keep on reading. My hope is that you would find this blog helpful for your marriage.

I help couples based on How We Love model which is an aspect of the attachment theory which definitely shows up in relationships significantly impacting communication between two people. Vacillator is one of the common styles in both in men and women which is linked to their early life experiences. You may read other love styles under the blog link.

What is a Vacillator Love Style?  Vacillator Style is a man or a woman who really wants connection, however, they idealize new relationships hoping and longing for attention and love. Initially it's about the chase!!  Dating is intense and as time goes by the excitement and intensity wears out and the reality sets in and the vacillator begins to feel disappointed and rejected in certain situations.  They tell themselves a story about their partner and their relationships and as a result have expectations which lead to feeling hurt as their expectations are not  met and as a result many vacillators respond with anger.

In Burbank Counseling office,  I practice the How We Love Model with couples and individuals. I highly recommend that you read the book How We Love by Yerkorviches for a better understanding of this style.  Meanwhile continuing this series of my blogs on the six love styles as identified by
Kay and Milan Yerkovich we’ll be investigating the characteristics, background, and help for the Vacillator love style. If you haven’t been following the series, or are new to the Counseling Couch, you can find the love styles quiz on the Yerkovich’s site, or catch up by reading the rest of the series from the beginning. 

This blog is for you if you keep thinking: "I want out, then I want in the relationship". The following lovestyle is about being a "Vacillator". This means as much as you want intimacy, you believe that truly having it makes the possibility of getting hurt far more likely. In this blog, I will discuss how when you begin feeling close in your relationship, you also don't trust that it will last and sometimes you sabotage the connection by pushing the other person away before that person can hurt you.  Are you a Vacillator?  Read on.....

Vacillator Love Style Defined
individual displays many of the following characteristics:

  1. One who approaches each relationship with an ideal in mind, instead of looking at things realistically. This ideal is shaped by things they’ve seen on tv, or in movies, or read in books or magazines. Then, when the real world relationship doesn’t match up to their unreal expectations, they become disillusioned and disheartened.
  2. They look to others for the love, comfort, understanding and companionship that they can’t find within themselves.
  3. They often assume people know what they want, or how they are feeling, even when they don’t express themselves.
  4. Vacillator love style individuals often find no middle ground with others – relationships are either all good, or all bad. They vacillate, or swing, back and forth in their contentment with the relationship.

You need not identify with or agree with all of these characteristics. According to the Yerkovichs’ reporting, you can actually develop more than one love style, and most of us display some traits of all five. Your dominate love style, though, is the one which tends to dominate your life and your relationships. You can, therefore, only have a few characteristics and still have some difficulties with being a Vacillator. It’s good to take the quiz and find out just who and what you are, so that you can better understand all the love styles, and how they can affect your life and relationships.

The Vacillator Love Style Background & Growing Up Years
The Vacillator love style develops out of an unpredictable homelife and childhood. The parent is either inattentive or absent, or vacillates himself with his emotional outreach to the child. This creates a feeling of abandonment, of anger and often of resentment in the child toward his parent. The child feels that his or her needs are not being met, and when the parent DOES try to reach out, the child is often too distraught or angry to receive what affections the parent is offering. They look to outside sources – tv, movies, books and magazines – for the type of love and affection they aren’t receiving at home. And they form unhealthy, unrealistic ideals for relationships because of this idealization process. As adults, they are looking for the consistent love and attention they didn’t receive, making them vulnerable to feelings of abandonment or rejection when their partner isn’t giving them his or her undivided attention.

The Vacillator Love Style and Therapy
Vacillators are made to want to have communication but they want you to know what they want without telling you. In their own thought process they believe and tell themselves, that "the spouse or partner should already know or reach their mind!  Vacillators are very affectionate but have hard time talking about problems.   Dating is a fantasy. The initial attraction is intense. They even fantasize about the love of their lives. Trouble starts when they get married. Vacillates wait for their needs to be met by their partner without properly communicating therefore there is idealism and as a result they are disappointed with reality. They protest when the idealism is not met. Their moods shift because they are so sensitive. There is a lot of rumination after an event, a lot of rehearsing and reviewing in their own mind without knowing how to bring and discuss it with their spouse.

There is hope for the Vacillator love style individual. Through therapy, he or she can learn to develop healthy notions of what “good” relationships are, and cen learn to find some acceptance and comfort from within, as well as from without. The therapy may include techniques to help you:

  1. Acknowledge that your expectations won’t ever fit into this imperfect, very real world and its very imperfect inhabitants.
  2. Help you understand that each day can’t be as good as you hope, but it won’t be as bad as you can imagine it, either.
  3. Ask for things you need, and express your feelings and thoughts, instead of waiting for others to guess at them.
  4. Learn to live in the present, instead of always looking to the past for sources of pain, or to a future that can never be as rosy as you can paint it.

You don’t have to go through life swinging from one emotional extreme to the other. You can hop off the relationship pendulum and land on your own two healthy feet. If you think that your Vacillator love style may be harming your relationships and hindering your life, contact Jousline Savra today. You can click on the upper right side of this page to schedule an appointment.  Ms. Savra's counseling office is located in Toluca Lake Burbank in Los Angeles area.