Every person or a couple that comes to see me with serious marital or relationship problems have certain relationship core patterns which show up in their repetitive arguments and challenges they face. I constantly see these "core patterns" played out in front of me in my office as I meet with different individuals and couples. You can read other articles under counseling couch discussing love styles. You have certain core patterns which began (you can read more about this in my website's link counseling couch) in your early years of life unbeknown to you which you have carried into the adulthood. Your core patterns have been completely unidentified by you. To find out what your particular core patterns are in detail, I highly recommend that you read the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. This book discusses relationships and how your core patterns were developed in your family of origin and more. I also use this model in my Burbank counseling office and therapeutic work with couples and individuals. As a result of this work, couples often report that their relationship is completely transformed for better and this helps their communication.
Whether you are single, married or divorced it comes down to if you are willing to take time to work on you and find out what your core patterns are because I can guarantee your core patterns are showing up in the way you communicate with someone.
Most of the times when couples get married they get lost in the daily life chores such as building a house, focusing on their careers, getting pregnant, practicing parenthood, acquiring more material possessions and other ambitions over the years. Being ambitious and achieving goals is not a negative pursue. I believe each spouse must devote time to their own growth and personal goals while being married. What I often discover in my counseling office is that couples get more focused on the busyness of life and as a result years go by and the find themselves growing distant apart. I hear from them that they simply did not know how to stay in sink and connected with each other. Getting a "yes" from your love to marry you and make a life-commitment doesn't mean that you stop getting to know your love more deeply as years go by. I have news for you! Your work has just begun after your wedding day. It's an ongoing lifetime work. The challenge is that couples don't know how to do it and they don't make it a priority.
Knowing how to brush up on you communication skills is not a formula. It requires each spouse to make significant changes. First you have to make time for it. Couples struggle with communication because they have never learned the right relationships skills for creating intimacy and connection. Learning how to talk to each other takes effort, time and willingness.
One of the commons things many people do nowadays is use their mobile gadgets to communicate such as texting or emailing. It's a very bad idea to use texting or emailing when you want to discuss anything that is important or sensitive. When you text or email - you never get to hear the tone and never get to see the person speaking to you. You don't get the chance to ask questions for clarifications. You don't get to repair anything that might need repairing during the dialogue. It's a horrible way anytime you communicate something that is written down and you are the one staring at it or reading it by yourself. If you are doing this, most probably it's because you are avoiding something that is hard to face in the person's presence. When you are with the person and having a conversation face to face, you get to be vulnerable with her and share your feelings and thoughts. It is a great way of opening up, sharing your thoughts and feelings so as a result you can experience intimacy. Unfortunately not many know how to be vulnerable and experience true intimacy. In my counseling office I show couples specific and practical communication tools that brings the couple closer each other and feel connected no matter what the distress might be. I specifically utilize the comfort circle tool that Milan and Kay discuss in their books which you can read more about this on www.howwelove.com
Moreover, praise is the best way to communicate in writing so go ahead and do that. But any important issue, a confrontation or a difficult issue that needs to be discussed in person should NEVER be in written in a form of an email or text. If the person is feeling anxious and does not know how to have the conversation then it's really critical that the couple get effective professional help from an experienced marriage counselor who can show them how to do that.
Taking time to find the right marriage therapist is highly worthwhile because sometimes simply a couple needs a tune-up or rejuvenate their marriage and their relationship. Do you regularly take your car for maintenance and tune up? Do you go for regular dental and cleaning check up with your dentist? Do you take care of your physical healthy by regular visits for your body? Do you take time to clean your house or room or office weekly or daily? Do you take time to take care of your finances and keep up with your bank accounts etc? So why is it that you don't apply the same care, time and energy for your marriage and your relationship? In my counseling office, I see enough number of couples that come in only when they are desperate or one has given the ultimatum of divorce or their unhappiness. They only come in because there is too much pain in the relationship, and sometimes it's simply too late. Please don't wait to take care of your relationship only when you are in crisis or on crossroads. My counseling practice is in the heart of Toluca Lake of Burbank. I am a strong believer and practitioner of helping you to get the right relationship skills in practical and simple ways to save your marriage. This means whether you like it or not, the reality of your life and your history is that your early life experiences have taught you and programed you how to love. It does not matter how old you are now, whether you are single, married or divorced. If you have experienced frustration in your relationships only you can do something about it.
How I work is that I will first meet with you as a couple and do a complete thorough assessment of your challenges, your interactions and your needs. Then I will teach you effective simple practical communication tools that you will take with you so that you can listen in new ways that will bring your closer to each other. The specific communication tools I offer in my practice will help you resolve your conflicts, reduce defensiveness, teach you authentic listening skills, share your true thoughts and feelings with feeling guilty, you will learn how to ask for your needs and improve your intimacy. You are not alone. When you are going through a difficult time in your marriage as a couple, please take it seriously by not worrying about it. Your feelings of anxiety and unhappiness are telling you to get help and do something about it. Don't put it off. Please make the time to address what may not be right in your relationships now, and move toward saving your marriage.