Attachment Theory – Your Love Style: Understanding Your Relationship Problems

Jousline Savra, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, helps couples discover their love style, which is their attachment style, impacting communication and the problems couples face in their relationships. Communication is the life-blood of a relationship. Every single person has an attachment style, which are formed from our early life experiences.

When couples learn of their attachment style during their couple’s counseling with Jousline, they express a great sense of relief, feeling hopeful. During counseling, they are able to move forward through resolving their problems. While this takes awhile, they are highly satisfied and feel much more connected. Some for the frequent comments are: “That is exactly what happens” ”Oh wow, that makes sense, now I know why or that is what we go through” “That is right that is what happens when we fight over and over again” and finally they say, “how do you know, it sounds as if you live with us, this is amazing.” Learning their love style creates clarity between two spouses as they learn new, healthy, and effective tools for healthier communication.

Married or single, it is important to know your love style. Many couples suffer for years, and they are totally unaware of a core pattern that occurs between them, leading to sabotaging their marriage. When you meet with Ms. Savra, you can discover your love style and any underlying issues that cause pain in your marriage. Many spouses express a great sense of relief as their problems make sense to them. They learn new ways of talking to their spouse that changes the marriage during a period of time of doing couple’s therapy. Attachment theory shows you that your early life experiences greatly affect the way you communicate in your intimate relationships today. It does not matter how loving your parents and caretakers may have been or if you came from a close family. When you begin therapy with Jousline Savra, she will ask you to take the Love Style quiz.

Couples Communication is a critical aspect of any marriage. How you talk to each other and your ability to share your thoughts, your feelings, and your experiences has much to do with the following.

Attachment Theory and Love Styles – This is very different from Love Languages
The 5 love styles identified in the following ways explain why you run into marital problems. The root to the following styles is insecure attachment style, which manifests when you are distressed or anxious in a situation. The following love styles are not related to the love languages. The love styles are based on the book, How We Love, authored by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, originating from attachment theory. These are the love styles that often show up in relationships:

  • The Avoider – This person’s home was pretty void of affection, and everyone was left to care for themselves emotionally. As an adult, the Avoider tends to shut others out and be uncomfortable around emotional individuals.
  • The Pleaser – The Pleaser is someone who has always had to please others, due to their critical or angry nature. Later in life, they often neglect themselves in favor of meeting others’ needs, while feeling resentful at the lack of comfort they receive in return.
  • The Vacillator – This is someone whose homelife was unpredictable, with a parent who was often neglectful or unavailable. This leads to a situation where they idealize new relationships and partners, but then grow tired and hurt when things settle into the reality of life.
  • The Controller – Controllers come from unsafe, abusive, and homes filled with anger. They have lived their lives feeling out of control, or have learned to depend only on themselves. This evolves into an individual who cannot trust, cannot allow themselves to be vulnerable, and who must be in charge all the time.
  • The Victim – The victim comes from a chaotic background. All the chaos and uncertainty creates a person who has a lack of self-worth and is often depressed and anxious. They often feel as if they are just going through the motions, often detached in their relationships.

Attachment Theory and the Secure Connector
All of us should strive to be secure connectors in marriage, regardless of what kind of home life or childhood we experienced. This means taking the time and energy to look at what is going on inside of you, and be able to learn and share your true feelings, and your reality, in a vulnerable way that creates intimacy and connection between the two of you.

Some people DO have the kind of childhood that develops a secure and healthy individual. Others can learn, through counseling, how to change and grow into a secure connector. They have control over their emotions, and can experience a wide range of emotions freely. They are able to set healthy, realistic boundaries within their relationships. They are secure in who they are, in their own faults, and in the faults of others. They can also give others room to be who they are. They can seek and give comfort and love to others, and help easily. In short, they can have healthy, happy relationships on many different levels.

Attachment Theory and You. Please take some time and read each description of each love style in the blog. Meanwhile, feel free to contact me to set up an appointment to do more in-depth work on your attachment or love style. For now, if you’d like more information, you can contact me. I’d be happy to contact you, or schedule an appointment. I also suggest that you visit Milan and Kay’s site on How We Love, and take their love style quiz. You will learn about your own love style, and how it impacts your relationships.