Insights for Couples and Individuals and Their Relationships!
Insights for Couples and Individuals considering counseling
I have good news for you. Your marital problems were not created in your marriage. These problems began before you got married. If you are an adult married man, or a single woman, your current relationship struggles are directly linked to your early life experiences, which are repeated as you date! Surprised?
Every person or couple that comes to see me with serious marital or relationship problems have certain core patterns which show up in their repetitive arguments and the challenges they face. I constantly see these “core patterns” played out in front of me in my office as I meet with different individuals and couples. You can read other articles relating to this subject under the counseling couch link, discussing love styles. You have certain core patterns which began in your early years of life unbeknownst to you, which you have carried into adulthood. Your core patterns are generally unidentifiable by you. To find out what your particular core patterns are in detail, I highly recommend that you read the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. This book discusses relationships and how your core patterns were developed in your family of origin and more. I also use this model in my Burbank counseling office and therapeutic work with couples and individuals. As a result of this work, they report that their relationships are completely transformed.
Whether you are single, married, or divorced, it comes down to if you are willing to take the time to work on you and find out what your core patterns are. I guarantee your core patterns are showing up in the way you communicate with someone.
Most of the time, when couples get married, they get lost in the daily life chores such as building a house, focusing on their careers, getting pregnant, practicing parenthood, acquiring more material possessions and other ambitions over the years. Being ambitious and achieving certain marital statuses are not negative objectives, but I believe each spouse must devote time to their own growth and personal goals while being married. What I often discover in my counseling office is that couples get more focused on the busyness of daily life, and as a result, years go by and they find themselves growing apart. I hear from them that they simply did not know how to stay in sink and connected with each other. Getting a “yes” from your love to marry you and make a life commitment doesn’t mean that you stop getting to know your love more deeply as years go by. I have news for you! After the wedding and honeymoon, the work has just begun. It is ongoing work that lasts a lifetime. The challenge is that couples don’t know how to do it and they don’t make it a priority.
Knowing how to brush up on your communication skills is not a formula. It requires each spouse to make significant changes. First you have to make time for it. Couples struggle with communication because they have never learned the right relationships skills for creating intimacy and connection. Learning how to talk to each other takes effort, time, and willingness.
One of the commons things many people do nowadays is use their mobile gadgets to communicate such as texting or emailing. It’s a very bad idea to use texting or emailing when you want to discuss anything that is important or sensitive. When you text or email – you never get to hear the tone of someone’s voice, and never get to see the person speaking to you. You don’t get the chance to ask questions for clarification. You don’t get to repair anything that might need repairing during the dialogue. Anytime you communicate something that is written down and not voiced to to the other person, you are the one staring at it or reading it by yourself. If you are doing this, it’s most likely because you are avoiding something that is too hard to talk about. When you are with the person and having a conversation face to face, you get to be vulnerable with them, sharing your feelings and thoughts. It is a great way of opening up to experience intimacy. Unfortunately not many know how to be vulnerable and experience true intimacy. In my counseling office I show couples specific and practical communication tools that brings couples closer to each other and feel connected, no matter what the distress might be. I specifically utilize the comfort circle tool that Milan and Kay discuss in their books, which you can read more about this on www.howwelove.com
Moreover, praise is the best way to communicate in writing so go ahead and do that. Important issues that that may be difficult, needs to be discussed in person, and should NEVER be in written form sent through email or text. If the person is feeling anxious and does not know how to have the conversation face to face, then it’s really critical that the couple get effective professional help from an experienced marriage counselor who can show them how to do that.
Taking time to find the right marriage therapist is highly worthwhile because sometimes all a couple needs is a tune-up or simply rejuvenate their marriage and their relationship. Do you regularly take your car for maintenance and a tune up? Do you go for regular dental and cleaning check ups with your dentist? Do you take care of your physical health by scheduling regular visits for your body? Do you take time to clean your house or room or office weekly or daily? Do you take time to take care of your finances and keep up with your bank accounts etc? So why is it that you don’t apply the same care, time, and energy for your marriage and your relationships? In my counseling office, I see a high number of couples that come in only when they are desperate or one has given the ultimatum of divorce or their unhappiness. They only come in because there is too much pain in the relationship, and sometimes it’s simply too late. Please don’t wait to take care of your relationship only when you are in crisis or at a crossroads. My counseling practice is in the heart of Toluca Lake of Burbank. I am a strong believer and practitioner of helping you to get the right relationship skills in practical and simple ways to save your marriage. This means whether you like it or not, the reality of your life and your history is that your early life experiences have taught you and programmed you how to love. It does not matter how old you are now, whether you are single, married, or divorced. If you have experienced frustration and unhappiness in your relationships, only you can do something about it.
How I work is that I will first meet with you as a couple and do a complete and thorough assessment of your challenges, your interactions, and your needs. Then I will teach you effective, simple practical communication tools that you will take with you so that you can listen in new ways that will bring you closer to each other. The specific communication tools I offer in my practice will help you resolve your conflicts, reduce defensiveness, teach you authentic listening skills, share your true thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty. You will learn how to ask for your needs and improve your intimacy. You are not alone. When you are going through a difficult time in your marriage as a couple, please take it seriously! Your feelings of anxiety and unhappiness are telling you to get help and do something about it. Don’t put it off. Please make the time to address what may not be right in your relationships and marriages now, and take a step to saving them.