In my 27 years as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve sat with countless couples on my couch in Roswell, GA. They come to me feeling frustrated, disconnected, and tired of having the same fight over and over. They talk about communication problems, intimacy issues, or unresolved anger. Frustrations about not having spoken to their spouse(s) about real issues, making assumptions that the other person would or should bring it up. But what I’ve learned is that these issues are often symptoms of a much deeper pattern.
The problems you face in your marriage today didn’t start when you got married; they began long before, in your earliest life experiences. Your problems began before you met your spouse or your boyfriend or girlfriend. The real issue is that hardly anyone takes the time as an individual to work through their own healing and growth before choosing, vetting and marrying a life partner. How is that for a real awakening for you? A lot of individuals don’t know how to do that, they don’t know what steps to take and what the journey would look like. Unfortunately, reading self-help books is not enough, nor much helpful. Reading self-help books are primarily an intellectual experience and gives you possibly some information, but they don’t give you breakthrough and growth.
We are all designed to connect intimately with others. We need to feel seen, heard, and secure. The blueprint for how we do this is formed in childhood and is called our attachment style, or as I often refer to it in my practice, our “love style.” This imprint shapes how you communicate, how you handle conflict, how you parent, and how you give and receive love and ultimately you connect or don’t.
When you and your partner have different love styles, it can create a painful “relational dance” of misunderstanding and disconnection. As a psychotherapist, my first step is to help you discover this love style, because understanding it is the key to transforming your relationship.
The Anxious Partner: The Fear of Disconnection
I often see one partner who is what we call “anxiously attached.” This person lives with a constant, low-level fear of abandonment. This anxious attachment shows up in all the ways one pleases the other or is ambivalent. You can read my blogs from previous years. To feel secure, they need frequent reassurance and connection. When their partner is quiet or needs space, their anxiety spikes. They might think, “Is he mad at me?” or “Does she not love me anymore?” To quell this fear, they pursue their partner, seeking to close the distance through constant
communication, questions, and a desire to “talk things out.” They are often the ones who initiate marriage counseling, desperate to find a way to feel close again.
While their desire for connection is valid, their approach can feel overwhelming to their partner, inadvertently pushing them further away and creating the very distance they fear.
The Avoidant Partner: The Need for Space
Often, the anxious partner is married to someone with an “avoidant” attachment style. This individual learned early in life to be self-reliant, emotionally self-sufficient and to suppress their emotions. They are great with takes, goals, to do lists and possibly fixing problems. For them, emotional closeness can feel suffocating or demanding. When their anxiously attached partner makes a bid for connection, especially during a conflict, the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and instinctively pulls back. They retreat into silence, work, or hobbies as a way to manage their discomfort and feel safe. They aren’t trying to be punishing or unloving; their withdrawal is a protective strategy. They don’t know how to provide the constant reassurance their partner craves because they are uncomfortable with deep emotional expression.
This retreat, of course, is the very thing that triggers the anxious partner’s deepest fears, locking them both in a painful, repeating cycle.
The Secure Goal: Finding Your Anchor
The goal of our work together in marriage counseling or even in my work doing therapy with individuals, is to move toward a “secure” attachment. A secure couple or a secure individual can be close and intimate, but they are also comfortable with their own independence. They can communicate their needs and feelings openly and honestly, without fear of rejection or criticism. They see conflict not as a threat to the relationship, but as a problem to be solved together. They are a safe harbor for each other. This is not a perfect, conflict-free existence, but a resilient and deeply connected one. It is a bond where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued for who they are.
How Marriage Counseling Can Help You Find a New Way to Dance
Recognizing these patterns is the first step, but breaking them requires new skills. In my practice, I help couples do just that. There are no quick fixes; this is a process that requires commitment from both partners which we can conquer through marriage counseling.
Here is how I help:
- Discovering Your Love Style: We work together to identify your specific attachment style. I often use the “How We Love” model to provide a clear framework for understanding your core patterns. This isn’t about placing blame; it’s about gaining awareness of the imprint from your past that is impacting your present.
- Learning New Communication Skills: We are not born knowing how to have a healthy relationship. I teach couples practical, effective ways of communicating. You will learn how to express your emotional needs clearly and how to listen to your partner in a way that fosters true intimacy and connection, rather than defensiveness.
- Creating a Safe Space: My office becomes a safe, non-judgmental space where you can have the difficult conversations you can’t have at home. I guide you through these conversations, helping you to remain connected even when you disagree. You learn how to have an honest conversation without reacting, which is the key to resolving long-term issues.
- Healing from Trauma and Betrayal: For some couples, the issues are compounded by trauma, infidelity, or other painful betrayals. As a certified Brainspotting therapist, I can help individuals and couples process and heal from these deep wounds, which is essential for rebuilding trust and restoring emotional and sexual intimacy. Brainspotting is a very effective psychotherapy that makes a lasting change in persons no matter how painful the trauma may be.
Taking the step to begin marriage counseling is a sign of wisdom and strength. It’s an acknowledgment that your relationship is worth fighting for. If you are tired of the constant bickering, the feelings of loneliness, and the painful, repeating cycles, know that there is hope. You can learn a new way to dance together. You can build a marriage that is not just about sharing tasks and living under the same roof, but about creating a deep, authentic, and lasting connection.
If you are serious about making changes in your life and relating to others, you can reach out to me.