Love Styles – Are You A Victim?

Do you feel like a victim, helpless or powerless most of the time in relationships or in your marriage?

In How We Love marriage and relationship counseling blog posts, this is the last post in our series on the 5 insecure attachment or love styles which are identified by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. In other blog posts, we’ll look at what makes a healthy, or secure, connector, someone capable of establishing and maintaining healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationships. You may want to go back and start from the first post. If you’d like to discover which love style you predominantly display, you can go to the Yerkovich’s love style quiz page to find out.

The Victim Love Style Defined
The Victim love style is a result of an attachment style in which the individual is so used to chaos and discord, that peace and calm make them uncomfortable. This means they were not used to a peaceful or calm lifestyle, free of tension growing up. Rather their early life experiences were filled with constant chaos and drama. The purpose of this blog is help you to become aware of your painful position in your relationships. So here it goes! Because of growing up for many years experiencing drama and chaos, individuals often create drama or discord just to feel more at ease, as strange as that may sound. The Victim love style individual has very little self-esteem or self-worth, allowing themselves to be the victim of others’ less-than-loving actions and attitudes. They often marry or partner with someone who displays the Controller love style, (read the Controller love style), as Controllers often make victims of their partners. Victims see themselves as unworthy and unlovable, being treated badly by their partner feeds into this belief. Victim love style individuals will often suppress their anger, taking it out on children or co-workers instead of directing it at the partner. This is because they fear the stronger partner, and fear makes them even angrier and more controlling than they already often are. They often feel empty emotionally,  going through the motions of simply just living.

The Victim Love Style Background
The Victim love style forms in a chaotic, often angry and abusive household. The child feels unloved, and often is treated as such by the parents. The Victim love style child often creates imaginary worlds into which he can escape the cruel reality of the home. They often have one or more parents who display the Controller love style. Victims learn to run under the radar, stay as out of the way and appear invisible, so as not to stir the wrath of their angry, critical parent. They often turn to drugs, alcohol, or food, searching for the comfort and calm they are missing in their daily lives.

The Victim Love Style and Therapy
The Victim love style can be overcome. There is hope and love with lasting relationships at the end of the therapy journey. Recovering from this type of love style and the negative role they are playing in their relationships will not be successful by only reading this blog, books or other materials. In addition to reading, individuals grow and heal by being in safe and therapeutic relationships. Through counseling and therapy, the victim love style individual can learn:

  • To stop minimizing your pain and simply waiting for things to get better
  • To build some self-esteem and support so that you can face your current victimizers
  • To realize that anger and resentment are expected, it’s alright to have and process these feelings with a good therapist
  • To help you overcome your past hurts, and to move forward with confidence and strength
  • To obtain and remain in a place of physical, emotional, and mental safety

You needn’t remain a helpless, hurting victim forever, nor do you have to perpetuate the cycle by creating victims in your children. You can break free and become a happy, healthy individual with happy, healthy relationships. Call me to make real and healthy changes for yourself and your relationships. It’s critical that you find the right and helpful Marriage Therapist or Relationship Therapist who specializes in attachment styles. Free yourself from this painful cycle.