Practical and Helpful Tips For Marriage
The reality of marriage is that two people come into a relationship who each has his/her own unique history and habits. Regardless of what chronological age two people began a romantic relationship that perhaps led to marriage, a critical key here is that as time goes by, each spouse continues to change whether they admit it or not. I have noticed that a couple does not know how to recognize or discuss their own development. This is a reality for every person, depending on how much self-reflection or honesty they practice with themselves as time passes by.
Each spouse must always first recognize his/her own need to grow up developmentally, and emotionally toward the goal of feeling confident about who they are and how they express their needs. This has nothing to do with how old you are. Instead of focusing on the other person’s problems, it is imperative that you as a partner take responsibility and take time to develop and move toward feeling more secure in your attachment style. You will find several articles on my website regarding what an attachment style is. Here, I am going to discuss what a secure or insecure attachment is.
Often an individual is stuck in denial and blame, blaming your spouse or even children. An important part of loving your partner or your children is important to remember that love must grow and mature as knowledge and discernment about yourself, your reality, who you are becoming, and what your needs are. When you know how to be loving (not self-centered) but caring toward your own needs then you can also make room and care for the wellbeing of others (spouse or children) as opposed to a warm feeling of love.
Each of us must make a decision to be courageous and make a commitment to the process of growth which requires hard work and is often painful! Each of us must make a decision to either engage or run. By engaging I mean, to learn how to have difficult conversations with our loved one(s) and tolerate those hard conversations without reactivity. We must learn how to gain relationship skills that lead to hard talk into a proper resolution.
I have news for you! Pain is not bad. Pain is a gift, for it is a precursor for change. Depending on your choices about how to handle your pain, will lead you toward maturing and growth. If you are handling your pain by numbing it with substances or numerous hours of work by distracting your feelings, pain is a gift to you, if you would listen to it. We must learn to become vulnerable, and what I mean by this is to show our hurt, our pain, and be transparent with our spouse which would lead us to let down our defenses. In marriage, it is important that each of us become humble, not a victim but humble, and learn to be honest to share our weaknesses and tell our significant relationships of our contribution to the problem!!
Sometimes we need guidance to learn about our struggles, and how to attach them together. Marriage Counseling can be very beneficial to help marriages move in the right direction. With a therapist, couples can effectively:
- Improve communication skills
- Make a deeper connection
- Learn to emotional connect with your spouse
- Balance life’s demands
- Resolve unresolved long-term emotional pain
- Discover your love-style
- Heal from trauma
- Get unstuck in practicing poor communication styles
Are you willing to do this? Are you willing to look at the part that you take in whatever that predicament is for you today? When was the last time you were honest and admitted your part in being wrong whether with your spouse or your children?
We must also learn to grow in our ability to tolerate as well as cultivate new emotions in ourselves and in others. This is a long process but a priceless process that leads to growth and intimacy.
We also need to learn to forgive. There is no way that you will forget the hurt. I often tell people in my counseling practice, that there is no way you will forget the painful words or the betrayal. Meanwhile, you must make a decision for yourself based on who you are, and that is to forgive from the heart which is a process of releasing ourselves as well as others from the prison cell of debt. I must highlight here that forgiveness also means that behaviors must be changed in both
of you as a couple. That old behavior could not be repeated, so that your relationship can experience renewal and growth, in order to move toward a secure place with each other.
All of these require hard work on each of your parts as a couple or even as a parent. It requires a commitment to make time to grow, learn new relationship skills, self-reflect, and re-evaluate your history and how it has impacted your behavior and your choices. It will be up to you to take the responsibility to make changes toward growth.
As a result, your marriage will improve, and your communication and your responses will be new because you recognized your own need for development. Are you ready to make the change you need to have a better marriage? Allow me to join you on this journey!